Bee In Bondi

How Bee got a smaller butt

2009-06-14T10:38:00.065+10:00

Because Sara Bradshaw asked if I had tips re: losing weight I thought I'd share with ye all.

First a disclaimer - I am not a health professional. I am in no way authorised to give any advice to anybody about what they should do to lose weight. This is what I have done and what I tell myself to do. It may not work for you.

1. Ask yourself why you want to lose weight.

The media, government etc yammer on about how overweight we all are as a nation and why we need to lose weight to be healthy and live less expensive, more sustainable lives.

These reasons are not compelling to me and I doubt they are motivating for most people.

The reason I, and I believe most people want to lose weight is to look good. (And not be pre-judged as lazy, unsuccessful fatties.)

Most clothes are made to look good on slim people. Slim people are portrayed in the vast majority our visual media as beautiful, desirable and normal. We have all heard this song before.

And because slimness it is presented by the media et all as the more desirable state to be in, slimness has become a marker of success.

One has succeeded at something (?) if one is slim. One has failed at something if one is fat.

I found it amusing that after losing the baby weight (and the 10kgs extra weight I carried for a good two years before being pregnant with Marley) people would come up to me and say, "Congratulations! You look great!"

Don't get me wrong, I am not at all offended by this - I take it as the compliment that it is intended to be. But therein lies my point - as a society we see it as a huge success to lose weight.

If your reason for losing weight is not just about your health then be honest (with yourself) about that. You will need to find more creative ways to motivate yourself than reading the dietary guidelines pamphlet from your GP or reciting government propaganda in your head over and over.

2. Ask yourself why you put on the weight.

Think back to the point you started to put on weight and work from there. If you have always been slightly bigger (not obese) than your peers and have no weight-related health problems perhaps you do not have a weight problem. We are not all meant to look the same!

But if you can trace the weight back to comfort eating, ageing and not being active, or a particular event that triggered weight gain you have the chance now to consider if the emotional aspects that existed at that time are still relevant.

If they are you will need to work on those in combination with the other tips outlined below.

For example, for the majority of my life I have been on the smaller side of things. I am half Asian and as we know, Asian people are usually smaller than Anglo peeps. My parents are both slim and have been for the majority of their lives. My two half-brothers (both Anglo) were/are slim. So I am genetically a smaller person.

As mentioned earlier, a couple of years before becoming pregnant with Marley I had started to put on weight (normal for me was between 50-55kg. I only stand about 5'4).

I had experienced a devastating break-up, a depressive episode, and gone on anti-depressants. I put on 6kg. Then I was in a new relationship with Mac where I felt very cuddly, cosy and eat-y. I put on another 4kg.

As I could identify all those things as triggers to over-eating and thus weight gain, I could make a decision (not a quick decision - but a process over several years that included therapy and time to resolve the emotional issues) that those elements would not be part of my current situation. That is an ongoing process.

3. Get informed.

There are a plethora of books about healthy eating. Get one. Do your research and find one that is credible. Do not get one that says, 'Lose weight in 10 days', or 'Celebrity weight loss secrets'. You will need to make an entire lifestyle change.

The guide I have found helpful is the Australian book, 'The CSIRO total wellbeing diet'. As well as recipes and a workable eating plan it also explains the scientific research that has gone into formulating the plan and explains what your body needs in a simple, easy to read manner.

4. Get moving.

This one is particularly loathsome to me because I detest moving around just for the sake of it. As a child I couldn't stand organised sport (being completely inept at team work, ball skills and running). And any kind of televised adult sport makes me slightly stabby.

I do like dancing though. As a kid I did ballet and jazz, and as an adult I haven't minded pilates, yoga, something called Body Balance, and ballet.

But the exercise I have been able to stick with is Bikram Yoga. There are a lot of bad things said about Bikram Yoga and it will not be right for everyone but I like it.

Mind you, the first class I went into, I lay down on my mat and towel, took a deep breath of the hot air(you do the postures in 40 degree heat) and literally felt like I was going to choke to death.

I rushed out of the class and called Bikram enthusiast Rachael on my mobile and told her I was going to die. "You are not going to die," she informed me. "Just relax, breathe through your nose. Your head is getting the better of you."

Other helpful beginner Bikram tips are:

Be well-rested before you go.

Drink a lot of water through the day before you go.

Only take a few small sips of water in the class.

Lay down if you feel dizzy.

Wear as little as possible. Seriously. Like the shortest fitted bike pants (not shorts, no one needs to see up there!) and tank top you can manage.

Stay in the class.

Stand at the back.

The thing I like about Bikram is that I feel a great sense of achievement and well being after every class, that's what keeps me going back. That and the fact that I don't have to throw a ball or run.

But Bikram is just my personal choice. Think back to activities you liked when you were a kid. Did you like cycling? Maybe get a bike and pick a regular time to ride. Did you like team sports? Join a local club.

The most important thing is to choose an activity that you like. Fitness First is not the only option! Keep trying things out till you find one that fits. Or just start walking. If you can get motivated to do this (I can't unless I have company) then walking briskly for half an hour a day three times a week will get your system going. Being outside will increase your sense of well being too.

Once you've got your body used to moving again it will want to keep doing it and you will start to feel better.

5.Visualise and commit.

Visualise how your body will look (if losing weight is looks-based) or perform (if losing weight is health-based), or visualise both.

This may sound very shallow but thinking about my thighs in skinny jeans is seriously motivating for me especially when I am in a thigh-testing pose in yoga.

When I first started to lose weight I would concentrate on seeing myself as a thin person. Over and over and over again. Because my desire for weight-loss is looks-based this works for me.

I visualise my butt in jeans and what I want it to look like, ie small. Then when I think to myself, chocolate would be nice right now, I remember the small butt I am wanting. I want the butt more than I want the chocolate. Or I remember how horrible I feel when I get into a swim suit and I feel fat. Goodbye chocolate.

I actually do say goodbye to my fat. "I release my fat." I know this sounds very hippy dippy but I say this over and over again and it truly works for me.

5. Bee's personal food tips.

These are the practical things I do to prevent over-eating and weight gain. In no particular order.

- Chuck out all the junk food in the house. Do not keep keep junk food in the house ever again.

- Avoid foods with artificial flavours, colours or preservatives.

- Do not drink soft drinks.

- When first starting to lose weight eat no carbs after 4pm.

- Switch all dairy products to low fat except butter. Use real butter but sparingly.

- Eat portions no bigger than your fist.

- Have lunch as your biggest meal.

- If you eat with your family at dinner or you are eating out, only eat a small portion and with no or very few (a tablespoon) of carbs. Add green veggies or salad instead. Boring but necessary.

- Never again buy white bread. Always wholemeal. Check packet for true wholemealness.

- Eat rice or corn pasta instead of wheat pasta.

- Eat bread, pasta, rice or cereal earlier in the day.

- Snack on corn thins, fruit, wholemeal crackers.

- Use more chilli and jalapenos in food to add flavour.

- Avoid adding extra sugar or salt to anything.

- Use olive oil.

- Try to eat produce that is fresh and in season.

- Fast-food is a seriously 'sometimes' item. Like once every 6 months.

- Once weight is lost do eat 'sometimes' foods like chocolate, ice cream, cookies on rare occasions and enjoy it while you are eating it. Don't give yourself a hard time. You don't want to feel like you're missing out. I know for myself, too much deprivation leads to binging.

- If you feel like chocolate or ice cream whilst still losing weight have one portion (like one bar of chocolate) and enjoy it (as above) but eat lower fat items for the rest of the day. Do not buy a packet or carton that stays at home where you will be tempted to eat it. Buy one portion.

- Consider junk food not as a 'treat' but as a 'sometimes' food. Do not refer to it as a treat. It is not actually treating your body in any way. Fruit is a treat. Fresh veggies are a treat.

- Get creative with salad. So many things can go in salad that are healthy and make it taste awesome. Eggs, tuna, olives, beans, baby spinach, rocket, balsamic vinegar, tomatoes, red onion, smoked salmon, bocconcini, haloumi, grated parmesan, grilled chicken, slices of beef etc are some yummy examples.

- Consider the weather. I find salad-eating harder in winter (now!) because I want warm foods so I drink more tea and miso soup.

- When you feel like chocolate, drink Milo instead . I'm not sure if this would work for everyone but it does for me!

- Start with breakfast. Eating a healthy breakfast will get your metabolism going for the day. I start most days with one Weet-bix in skim milk. No sugar.

- Think of your body as a machine that needs to be maintained. It actually does. If you put crap in it that's how it's going to look/perform.

Oh - and this is another random tip - don't own scales. Check your size on how clothes fit and weigh yourself at chemists or at the doctor. Weight can be affected by fluid retention, muscle mass etc and you can make yourself crazy checking all the time.

This sounds super corny but at the end of the day you deserve the best. I deserve the best. So if the best to me is being able to fit into jeans and run around without getting puffy then I can have that. You just have to believe you deserve it. And you do.

Typical toddler moment

2009-06-05T12:00:00.009+10:00

Marley is now 18 months-old.

This morning after struggling to think of an activity I could do with Mr Super-Smart-and-Active, I decided on the Children's Library in Bondi Junction which we haven't been to before. Wet-weather genius!

While we waited for it open (at 10am! Are those librarians sleeping-in or what) I decided to pop in to Office Works next door and purchase a notebook.

I spied a packet of crayons that I thought Mr Busy would like (and also the cutest packet of erasers shaped like workman's tools! Step away from the fun stationary Bee. Step away.) and I let him hold the crayons while we waited in line.

Somehow he prised the crayons out of the sealed packet and when I tried to retrieve said packet so the cashier could swipe it he refused to let go, squealed and proceeded to smush the crayons into several pieces (oh, and he'd already dropped one that we ran over in the stroller leaving a long line of orange behind us).

He cried, I nearly started to cry (really) while the line of people behind us looked on in removed sympathy. An old lady exclaimed to Marley, "Oh, those are real tears!" And the man behind me told me that he had kids the same age (which did nothing to ease my frustration - his kids weren't there acting like banshees. Mine was.)

I left the Office Works and DID cry (Marley's tears now dried and forgotten) and rolled on to the library. Which was a success. Woo.

And while I know, know, know that I shouldn't compare my kids, I have to say that Eli never acted like this! It is total stereotypical toddler behaviour but I feel like I'm experiencing it for the first time (well I am).

(Breathes sigh and collapses in chair looking defeated.)

I truly know you did your best

2009-02-15T20:24:00.008+11:00

I can forgive my parents now because I don't need them any more and because I am on the cusp of being a parent that may need to be forgiven.

That is to say - I love my parents and I love my sons but I am a work in progress and so are they. My imperfections are numerous.

I am at the strange intersection in life where I can empathise equally with my parents as a parent and empathise with my children as a child.

Though the later is fading, no matter how much my teenage self made me promise -

"Always, always, always remember this." Bee's diary, 1995.

We celebrated my mum's birthday today.

Old again

2009-02-13T20:31:00.007+11:00

I am genuinely worrying about things I never thought I'd worry about.

Whether or not my eldest son will get into private school.

Whether or not I'll get a good job in few months.

Whether aforementioned son will be happy at said school, or any high school.

Whether or not Mac's stress about money will rise.

Why my shoulders are so tight and I have faint headaches when I haven't been partying all night or had a messy break-up (in years!).

Why I still have Gretel-Killeenesque bags under my eyes when Marley has been sleeping through the night for months.

How I have managed to get old.

Just like that.

Show us ya hotpants!

2008-12-29T21:21:00.006+11:00

Did you miss me?

No excuses/reasons for being away. Just was. Living life. Ya know.

Ok, so these here silver hotpants from Topshop worn by the gorgeous Rumi from Fashion Toast are totally Bee at the Sydney Opera House circa 1991. (Dancing in a comp with four of my school friends including Rachael while all the other groups had like, at least 15 girls.)

Rachael and I picked out the pants from Dolly magazine and had them made for the comp. Ha!

Hope everyone is having an awesome holiday season!

What I Was Doing When Obama Became President

2008-11-05T19:29:00.014+11:00

Watched the election from my lounge room and chanted 'Go Obama' and got Marley to clap along!
Exciting, historical day!

A couple of days ago Eli told me about his school work which required him to list who he thinks of as leaders. He wrote me, his dad and Barack Obama . Aww!
I said, "What about Kevin Rudd?" He said he forgot about him.
And Eli starts sex ed at school tomorrow! Growing, growing.

In good news about me I am shrinking! Not sure of exact weight but pretty sure am around 55 kg which means I am well on my way to my ideal weight. I have become very disciplined with my eating.

For dinner I usually have salad or small portion of what Mac and Eli are having if it's carbs based (it usually is) , Weet-bix with skim milk for breakfast and a sandwich or salad for lunch. I've given up alcohol, (!There is a story to this which I may get around to telling...) and caffeine. And I have taken up Bikram yoga which I do twice a week but would do 3 times if poss.

Marley is turning 1 next week (already! He is so cute. Talks, walks and is just deeelightful!) and we are down to 1 breastfeed a day, at night. Which I am happy to hang onto for a while as it's nice bonding time.

So that's me, Bee, and what I was doing when Obama became president.

CC My Playmate

2008-08-24T08:34:00.006+10:00

I was singing to Marley, you know how you do, just any nonsense song when you're changing their nappy and trying to distract them from squirming off the change mat. And this old chant popped into my head. Clapping in the playground circa 1985...

CC my playmate
I can not play with you
My sister's got the flu
The German measles too
Slide down my rainbow
Into my lolly shop
And we'll have FUN FUN
Playing in the SUN SUN
FUN FUN
Playing in the SUN SUN

Save me from my wardrobe

2008-08-14T18:58:00.011+10:00

Some days I have the desire to leave the house wearing funky casual outfits like this. Granted the hipster jeans are a bit 2001. But still. Groovy jeans, subtle accessories, jacket hanging just so, cute bag slung on my arm...

But most days I just want to wear something nondescript.

Something unnoticeable.

Something comfortable.

Something I don't have to 'work'. And strictly no accessories. Getting accessories right takes a lot more work than you'd think.

I'd like to get up, just throw on a ... uniform?

I want my clothes to say 'I have nothing to say'.

What I fantasize about is getting 7 identical outfits made up. They would look something like this:

Oh yeah.

What was I thinking?

2008-08-12T14:45:00.000+10:00

Q Whaddit Mac and I do on Saturday night?
A Went to our first party together since Marley was born.

And it was a Bad Idea.

For about an hour in there it was fun and the rest was soooo not worth it.

1) Got drunk (hello?! Am breastfeeding - I can't get drunk!!!!).

2) Had a stupid drunken fight with Mac (and when we have been going so well too. Dammit.).

3) And on Sunday felt so shite, low and socially incompetent that felt should have been quarantined until all traces of stupidness had been cleared.

I used to drink like a fish (hmm, but usually to dodgy results actually) but now I feel that my constitution is so finely balanced that the smallest extra stimulant - like alcohol or even caffeine- tips my mood significantly out of kilter.

I spend so much energy working on being ok and mentally healthy that it is so not worth getting so down for just a bit of a high.

So...is this goodbye my old friend alcohol?

Angelina Jolie sprinkles more of her top-notch DNA into the human gene pool

2008-07-13T11:52:00.030+10:00

I just had to get on this bandwagon. Mock me if you need.

Angelina has given birth to a baby boy and girl in the French Riviera!

The babies were born via C-section yesterday, July 12th at 8pm.

I know there is so much hype surrounding all the recent celebrity births but I confess I am one of the many that think the Jolie-Pitt family are just adorable.

Actually I am an Angelina lover from way back when she was still with Billy Bob.

Articulate, interesting, socially aware and with looks so amazing that she can make all those tattoos look hot? How could I not love her.

See, how cute is this family!

Anyway, it seems that the twins have been born about a month early. I hope they're all healthy... apparently the boy is named Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt and the girl is Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt. 'Marcheline' is obviously in honour of Angelina's late mother Marcheline Bertrand, whom she was very close to. Here's Angie with her Ma:

Thinking about the Jolie-Pitts and their last name has got me thinking again about Marley's surname. He only has Mac's last name, thus his name is different from mine.

I don't like double barrel surnames in principal - but in practice I don't like that my surname got ditched. Boo.

I mean why should babies have the guy's surname anyway? We're not bartering women for sheep or whatever people used to do way back when the tradition started.

And just for the hell of it, here's a snap of Angelina pregnant with the twins and looking for all the world like a graceful mother duck being trailed by her ducklings. When I was pregnant with Marley I resembled a hippo with water retention. At best.

Will the Real Baby Milo Please Stand Up

2008-07-04T19:06:00.032+10:00

It's coming up to Eli's birthday. I ask him what he would like for a gift.

He writes me a list. Amongst the video games and Lego is a request for a Baby Milo jumper.

Hmm. Ah, what's that Eli?

A Baby Milo jumper.

He points it out to me on the street. And suddenly I notice that all around me are teens sporting these garish hoodies with cartoon monkey patterns. Especially teens in the lower socio economic demographic. I recognise the air in which they wear them from my own teen days. These are THE hoodies to have.

To wear one is to Get It. To wear one is to be part of The Group. The legit group. To wear one is to be a bit I-am-from-the-commissions-hard-core.

But why?

I look up this Baby Milo online and the best I can find is this.

Baby Milo is a part of the BAPE label? I go to the official website . Not a tid of a bit do I see about Baby Milo. Either I'm the crappest researcher ever or Baby Milo is not meant to be found.

Anxious to find a genuine article I scour the Net high and low. Nothing.
I ask in the stores. Nothing. "You could try Paddy's Markets,"one salesgirl suggests.

Buy my son some tacky knock-off? I don't think so.

But as the day of his birthday grows nearer and a real Baby Milo remains ever elusive my resolve melts.

I pop the now reformed Marley into the car and trundle off to Paddy's Markets in Haymarket. I am a Paddy's Markets virgin so after I park in the quiet underground Carpark I follow the signs to the lift and up we go.

The lifts opens right into the middle of a conglomeration of hustling and bustling stalls strung with cheap toys and flashing neon lights.

We have been teleported to an alternate magical bargain shopping world!

Delighted, Marley (in his pushchair) and I look around in wonder at all the bright plastic thingys and piles of clothes and souvenirs.

I find several stands selling clearly fake Baby Milo jumpers for $10-$15 and one stand selling a much higher quality jumper for $45. The zip goes all around the hood and has a monkey emblem on it, plus the fabric is thicker and print smoother. There is only one in an orangey white pattern left in Eli's size so I buy it plus a $12 one in black that I know he will like.

Triumph! You cant elude me Baby Milo!

As I drive home I remember the impassioned speech I gave Eli about designer rip-offs and how they are a nasty corrupt business.

Hmm.

Later at home I find this interview with the BAPE designer:

"The exclusivity part...that was unintentional... I didn't intend to create demand by limiting supply. I just didn't like the idea of a lot of people wearing the same clothes. So since these were my designs, I decided to only make a few."

Nigo

Nothing like a dirty big splash of irony to end the 'working' week.

Happy Hour

2008-06-26T20:11:00.012+10:00

One weekday in April I was sad.

I left my apartment, got on a bus and walked through the city with Marley in a sling.

Marley looked about him in wonder with his new long-distance vision. I watched him see Sydney for the very first time.

Outside a pub on the corner of on George street was this man.

Presently, a passer-by tossed some coins into his case. The man stopped playing, counted his money and called out to a bloke smoking in the doorway, "Eh. $2.15 to go."

Marley and I walked on.

Goodbye misspent youth

2008-06-22T21:03:00.011+10:00

Today is the last day of my twenties.

I tried to cast my mind back to when I turned 20...what was I doing the last day I was 19? I would have been taking care of Eli, because by then he was nearly 1.

I was probably relieved to be leaving my teens behind. Plus, my mother had already started saying I was 20 so it would make my premature parenthood seem a tad less startling to soft suburban minds.

The last decade of my life has been crazy; birth, death, Uni, work, drugs, sex, marriage, divorce, depression, travel, heartbreak, love...

I'm kind of sorry to be leaving it behind because it's my youth. Was my youth.

But I'm starting to see that getting older means becoming a little bit more sure of myself. A little less worried about what everyone thinks of me (I emphasise a little).

I'm starting to feel that perhaps now I have permission to create my own mould rather than just pick one off the old shelf.

Maybe I just haven't had enough imagination - it's been too easy to be not much more than a reflection of the faces surrounding me. Harder to pull from within what is genuine and right.

But anyway. That too is obvious and clichéd. There's no escaping it today.

So as I leave my twenties behind I also leave behind all the people that meant so much to me once, but now are only memories. And take with me my true friends and my beautiful growing family, which every day I feel so privileged and grateful to be a part of.

When I wake up I'm going to be thirty. It's kind of exciting.

I'm not hungry today

2008-06-15T20:11:00.001+10:00

The door slams shut and I hear the lock turn.

Out in the cold my voice has no sound.

Like a child on an unknown street I am afraid.

Everything scares me and I want to go home.

Well hello there. I mean, do I know you?

2008-06-10T21:10:00.024+10:00

Even though it doesn't seem like it, the new customised sleep program from babybliss must be working for Marley, because just now I had time to faff about on stalkbook befriending all sorts of random types and even contemplating poking old hated school chums. Step away from the keyboard Bee!

Don't worry, I logged off before too much damage was done.

I did find myself perusing the online photo albums of Christmas parties thrown by the old publishing houses I worked at. Yes, from last December! Six whole months ago. How sad is that.

Even though I'm pretty sure this here at the moment is one of the best times of my life, I found myself looking at the photos of the parties and feeling not only nostalgia but an ache of longing for my good old friends, the animal ones like Lionel and the mineral ones like Gin & Tonic.

I have not sipped a drop of alcohol in MONTHS (unless you count the very nice glass/couple of glasses of champagne at Marley's Baby Naming). Much less sat at a bar. Much less rowdyed it up at a pub. In fact, I think the last serious drinking/partying I did would have been in mid 2006.

The Australian government's suddenly getting all paranoid and obsessive about youth binge drinking (which, on a side point is just insane - this is not a new problem - youths have been binge drinking for aeons), but as I sit there watching 4 Corners or listening to Radio National yammer on about it, all I'm doing is wistfully thinking, "Oh, those were the days."

Hmm.

I was seriously contemplating doing more study next year but now I'm feeling like being on the job...writing my articles... going to the pub... I mean networking usefully (which just might happen to be at the pub).

Seems I'm finally coming out of my baby haze.

Although that was me knocking on my neighbour's door at 1:30am last night asking them to be freakin quiet.

Might not be ready to emerge just yet.

Baby Haze

2008-05-23T20:38:00.005+10:00

Have reached new levels of exhaustion with Marley waking up every 40 mins - 2 hrs for the last 3 nights and only catnapping during the day.

This morning when Mac woke up I told him, "I have something important to say. I am feeling violently exhausted and I need somebody to stay with me today."

"I'll stay," he said. And I was then able sleep for 3 hours straight - the most sleep in a row I've had for days, and he took Eli to school and he worked from home. Love Mac!

Still, I may have to go to Tresilian or Karitane to sort out the sleep issues.

This is not a sustainable situation.

Fly Away Home

2008-05-07T02:59:00.002+10:00

Been MIA as just took an impromptu jaunt to New Zealand. Mac went for work and Eli, Marley and I tagged along.

View of Sydney after take-off.

I've mentioned before that my older brother died a while back. He lived and died in NZ and I hadn't been back since I was there for the funeral in 2002. It was emotional as hell then.

Was pretty emotional again this visit.

I left my Hello Kitty ring by his tombstone.

Here is the ring (when I was wearing it).

And here's his tombstone. It's pretty cool. As tombstones go.

That's his artwork etched into the stone.

My brother was the best.

You are my rainbow friend

2008-04-27T00:37:00.000+10:00

Ever noticed how cute Asian things (pencil cases, t -shirts etc) often say bizarre things like,

Let's walk the rainbow life! or You are my watermelon friend!

?

But who needs to make sense when you look like this...

Cure for the blues

2008-04-16T04:55:00.000+10:00

When I am sad or depressed, Hello Kitty and similar cheesy pink things comfort me.

Several times - once when I was really down and also when I was having rough time coming off antidepressants a couple of years ago - I went to Chinatown and just rested my eyes on all the cutesy characters and Hello Kitty stuff. Escapism.

Sometimes I buy things but usually it's enough just to look at the cheerful colours and childlike designs.

For a moment I can retreat into a world where everything is simple, sunny, fun, pretty and one dimensional.

Not complicated, no layers, no bigger meaning.

Just pink.

Deprived

2008-04-13T07:56:00.000+10:00

The sleep deprivation due to 5 month-old baby waking up throughout night and at 5am every morning is torturous.

Simply torturous.

Can't write.

Have reached stage of fatigue where nothing makes sense and all emotions feel heightened.

It's 5am, crazy.

2008-04-09T22:39:00.000+10:00

It is official:

I am no longer a 365 blogger. Yee ha!

Marley is waking up to start the day at 5am. Due to (expletive! expletive!) end of daylight saving. Expletive!!!!

Mother's Group

The topic last Friday was 'Motherhood and Meditation'. As part of this class we were asked to go back into the world committed to do something that would fill us (as opposed to drain us).

I decided to copy what one of the other mums does and make some lists of all the things I DO get done (as opposed to the things I don't).

Have Done

For past two days made three meals a night for dinner; pasta meal for Mac & Eli, salad for me and mush for Marley.

Have made more carrot and potato puree and frozen it in little blocks ready to be re-heated.

Have made an effort to go get favourite Chai and banana bread from Gertrude & Alice for lunch instead of just eating whatever crap was at home because it's easier than lugging Marley around Bondi.

Have bathed Marley. Don't laugh.

Have been patient with Eli when he came back from school camp insisting on wearing two band-aids in a cross on his forehead because they 'help him sleep'.

Have remembered to pay for school photos & actually know that they were going to be on.

Have finished designing and started cutting and enveloping invitations to Marley's Naming Day.

Have called two places to get quotes on a super duper Naming Day cake.

Have emailed cousin in States thanking her for info on family history.

Have kept Marley's clothes from being stained by carrot by washing them immediately after mealtime.

Have called Yoga teacher and organised to start Mums & Bubs Yoga next Monday.

Have given mobile number to other mum at Mother's Group, thus increasing the possibility of making friends with other mums.

Have investigated best high chair to get and discovered that the Ikea High Chair is both beloved by other mums and inexpensive.

Have compromised when ran out of grocery money and instead of pulling more money out to buy Olive Oil, bought Canola Oil. This is a biggie for me as I only like to buy the best.

Have emailed car-finder-guy to tell him to take the Golf off the list. No way am I going to be able to fit all of Eli & Marley's stuff, plus Eli and Marley into a VW Golf.

Carrot for the baby

2008-04-04T16:58:00.000+11:00

Today I realised that I actually love sleeping in the same room as Marley and I'm sad we're parting sleep ways. Sob.

AND today he ate his first solid food! Several teaspoons of carrot and potato I pureed with a new mixer .

AND he went to sleep BY HIMSELF in the cot for the first time. Yes, these things truly do get me excited.

Am sitting here with carrot all over my shirt. Love it.

Oh, and have decided not to get the 4x4 any more. The car finder dude can't find the one I want in the time frame (this month) and price range (10,000) that I'm after.

VW Golf or Bora here I come!

Wide-eyed 20 week-old

2008-04-03T15:47:00.000+11:00

Still sleeping in Marley's room. Next to the cot. On the blow-up camping mattress. To encourage him to sleep in his own room.

Seemed fine until bedtime tonight when he started crying sadly every time I tried to put him down.
So here we are, a couple of hours past his usual bedtime and he's still up.

Fingers crossed I get to move back into my room tomorrow night.

Celebrities Prowl Bondi for Food

2008-04-02T16:56:00.000+11:00

Ducked across the street to buy some soy sauce for dinner and there was Naomi Watts and partner Liev Schreiber considering the local fish and chips shop on the corner of Bondi Road.

Leiv was wearing trackpants and a pale crimson hoodie while Naomi was looking every inch the Eastern Suburbs mum in slim dark jeans, black blazer and a scarf over a white t-shirt.

Wisely they opted against the seafood (the fish there tastes mouldy, it's true.) and I heard Naomi agree to go to Laurie's Vegetarian place opposite.

Mac has been encouraging me to Laurie's. Naomi was telling Leiv that she, "used to go there when..." When I don't know as I kept walking with Marley hitched on my shoulder and not staring (as is the Sydney way).

I also saw Leiv rummaging around his pockets for his wallet and Naomi said, "Oh, I have (money)".

So there you go.

It was actually quite exciting to find them hanging out on my street corner. Who will it be next? Nicole Kidman? Hugh Jackman? Actually saw Hugh Jackman and his son down at the beach the other week.

My corner must be the new 'it' spot. Har har. They were also staring at our teeny tiny video shop looking for all the world as if they were going to rent something. Good luck Naomi and Leiv. Slim pickins in there.

Reconsidering

2008-04-01T16:45:00.000+11:00

Seriously reconsidering 365 days a year.

It is like homework.

Seriously considering finishing up Bee In Bondi and starting a more superficial blog that will satisfy my creative urges but will not require me to post every bloody day!

Or maybe will just quit 365, post here somewhat regularly and in addition start up another blog...

Tonight Marley is sleeping in his room (with me next to him on the floor) for the first time.

Ah the complexities of sleep!

Headin' home

2008-03-31T15:00:00.000+11:00

Drove back from beach. Knackered.

South Beach

2008-03-30T01:40:00.000+11:00

At the beach with Mac & Co.

Away with the In-Laws

2008-03-29T13:58:00.000+11:00

Although Mac and I are not married, it's easier just to say In-Laws.

Today we drove down South to stay at a holiday house with:

Mum-of-Mac
Uncle-of-Mac (newly arrived on the scene, formerly estranged)
David (elder brother of Mac)
Peter (younger brother of Mac)
Karly (fiancée of Peter)

Eli brought his friend Chris.
Marley bought his nappy bag and teething toys.

Confessions of a Cheesy-TV- Show Addict

2008-03-28T15:10:00.000+11:00

Going away for a few days but will update on my return (Monday). In the meantime, let me share my lowbrow ways with you.

Back in the day I loved the popular 90s TV show, 'Friends'.

I used to watch it so much that the first song Eli ever danced to as a baby was the 'Friends' theme song (which I caught on video and will be sure to whip out for his 21st).

Being 20 and living a fairly isolated life with just Dave and Eli I was enamoured with the idea of having a group of friends on hand to pal around with. If only Monica would boss me around, or if Rachael would flip her shiny hair in my face! And Chandler. I was totally in love with Chandler.

I'm pleased to say I'm not such a sad sack these days but the re-runs of the show still make me laugh out loud, much to Mr Mass-Culture's-For-Plebs (Mac's) abhorrence.

Then when 'Gilmore Girls' appeared in my mid-twenties I was hooked. A young mum who hasn't completely lost herself to domesticity?A rift between the critical, stuffy parents and the daughter that got pregnant as a teen? Junk food loving, non-cooking women? Count me in. Even Eli's a fan.

So you can imagine that I could not believe my luck when I stumbled across this...

'Birds of America'! With Chandler! And Lorelai! Together!
I mean Matthew Perry and Lauren Graham. Together.

Also, for anyone who remembers my most recent celebrity crush on Zac Efron...well! Check it out.
It's like I have an alternate life as a casting person.

To tan or not to tan

2008-03-27T17:06:00.000+11:00

Amanda was guest blogging for Alynda. Which is pretty cool because they are both on my blogroll.

Also pretty cool because I have given up the tan this year and truth be told, I am starting to miss it.

Honestly, when I was fatter after being pregnant I didn't want to show my skin anyway cause it was, well, fat.

But now that I'm losing weight I am starting to become ok with showing flesh again.

And I do get a bit cringey that my flesh is so white.

Reasons I'd like a tan:

It evens out ones skin tone.

Hides cellulite better.

Can be so effective as to alleviate the necessity of foundation.

Makes one look slimmer.

Makes one appear to glow.

Makes teeth look whiter.

All of the above increases personal hotness and boys (including Mac) are attracted to this hotness.

Reasons I'm not going to get a tan:

It causes skin cancer which can lead to death.

It leads to wrinkles.

It gives one the appearance of living an outdoorsy beach lifestyle and I, despite actually living by the beach, am not an outdoorsy girl. Am quite attached to my indoorsy nature.

It gives me an unnatural appearance. And I am on a mission to embrace myself the way I naturally am.

In addition -

I'm trying to be above such things as caring about whether I look hot or not. On a side note, I have even attended two family functions sans eye make-up. Previously I would rather stay at home and die a lonely death than expose my tiny, slanty Asian eyes as they really are.
Sister-in-law-to-be even asked what was different about me and I knew she didn't mean good-different. But I did it. Exposed my eyes. Naked Bee eyes. And the world did not end.

Also, I'm sick of people saying I have olive skin. Not because I don't want olive skin, but because I actually DON'T HAVE olive skin. People see my dark hair, (hazel) Asian eyes and flat face and somehow their pupils see my skin as dark. It isn't. In its natural state it is totally and completely white.

I am drawing the superficial line at shaving my armpits though.
No one likes a hairy pit.
Except for this strange little American guy I met once who was looking for a beer guzzling hairy-pitted girl. But that's a completely different story.

It was the plumber

2008-03-26T14:40:00.000+11:00

Correction.

It wasn't Henry that gave her the bed it was the plumber.

ETA - The Gummi Bears also rocked the 80s hard.

When I was a kid in the 80's I loved...

2008-03-25T14:25:00.000+11:00

Young Talent Time. Singing! Dancing! Sequins! Jazz Hands!

Sweet Valley Twins series. I actually wish I still had these. Good ole Jessica and Elizabeth with their 'blue-green eyes and identical dimple in their left cheek'.

Rainbow Brite. I had the doll and fantasised about having a Rainbow Brite themed room.

Punky Brewster. People said I looked like her so I took to wearing different coloured socks and a bandanna around my jeans. The bed that Henry made out of a flower cart was insane!

Care Bears. I had this exact figurine! When the movie came out I brought my bears to the cinema to 'see' it too.

Strawberry Shortcake. Those sweet smelling collectable figurines were the best. To this day I feel happy when I see pink and green together.

Still about the Robot

2008-03-24T17:06:00.000+11:00

Mac is in love with Rodney.

And Marley is fascinated by him, watching him go round and round the floor and even reaching out to try to touch him as he circles past.

Who knew that for a mere $420 Marley could be thus entertained.

Rodney

2008-03-23T13:32:00.000+11:00

Today we brought home our first robot!
I have christened him 'Rodney'.

The reason I have two showers a day

2008-03-22T13:20:00.000+11:00

is so I can have some time to myself.

Relief

2008-03-20T18:00:00.000+11:00

Being able to express my emotions brings relief akin to being bled of a dangerous fever.

Untethered

2008-03-20T13:00:00.000+11:00

Lately I have been going through a not so great time.

The day I posted pants? Mac and I were arguing and I didn't have time to post properly, nor could I wrap my mind around anything other than the argument at hand.

There's nothing new going on. But the fact that most days the only adult I speak to is Mac is a big problem for him.

Sometimes I feel like he just wishes I would stop talking.

And it's not my imagination, cause he has said as much.

I love talking.

And it is a sad, sad realisation that no one, no one wants to listen to me as much as I want to talk.

Mac has said he feels inadequate because he can't listen more, as much as my other friends. But they have a finite listening ability too. That's natural.

It brings to mind a day back in 2000.

I was in first year Uni, living in Glebe. I was 21. Eli was 2. It was a Friday night and Eli was at his dad's place for the weekend.

The weekend stretched out in front of me.

Two days.

Alone.

In truth the weekdays were spent alone too, as a 2 year-old boy is not someone you can chat to over a coffee, although I did try (to this day Eli has an aversion to babycinos).

Anyway, at that time Constance lived in Surry Hills and we had discussed that we might catch up that night. After Uni I caught the bus to Central and walked to Bourke Street where she lived in a share house.

She was clearly not pleased to see me and told me that she was planning to go to the movies with her boyfriend.

I didn't tell her I was disappointed. Mostly I was embarrassed that I had turned up somewhere where I was so unwelcome.

At that time I couldn't admit to anyone, even my closest friends, how desperately lonely I was.

I had left the father of my child, I was going to Uni and Mum-of-Bee was supplementing my rent.

I didn't feel there was any room for me to admit that I was unhappy. After all, this is what I chose.

I chose to leave Dave (more or less), I chose to go to Uni, I chose to live alone (well, there was no one who wanted to live with me), I chose to have Eli.

Like now.

I choose to be with Mac. I love him. And he is an amazing provider. For the first time in my adult life I am not ridiculously poor. We chose to live in Bondi. I chose to have Marley.

So it's hard to admit to myself that I am feeling less than happy.

And just when I'm needing more support Mac is working late more. It's not my imagination. And I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that it's just a coincidence.

He says for me to tell him when I would like him to come home earlier.

ok, 1) I HATE asking. I hate being the one that needs more from him than he needs from me.
and 2) It very rarely results in him coming home earlier anyway.

Having said all this, I realise that if I had more time to myself and more contact with other adults I wouldn't be bothered about Mac working late. (I think.)

Another thing is that the way I think is often through talking.

That's how I work out my feelings, my truth.

Well. Can't work out any more of it tonight, Marley is needing me and I gotta go make dinner.

I feel awfully disorganised about this post. Just like life. Loose ends flying around my head.

Easter

2008-03-19T12:29:00.000+11:00

is just around the corner. It's the only time of year Red Tulip chocolates are around.

Might have a stash in the cupboard.

Might be eating them right now.

YUM!!!

The bloody piece of the season

2008-03-18T08:50:00.000+11:00

I am turning 30 this year.

So in January I decided that before I am completely over the hill I would finally buy the biker boots and biker jacket I have been wanting since I was a teen.

Back in the day I was planning to get a bike to wear said leathers on but as I now have 2 kids...

Well I'm getting a 4x4 instead. Much to my friend's amusement. Constance couldn't stop laughing when I told her via Skype last night. I am so not a 4x4 type.

My reason? Every morning the glossy fleets of SUVs leave Bondi totally obscuring the view of any little car that may be puttering behind them. If you can't beat 'em...

Anyway back to the leather. Ever since reading 'Saint Maybe' by Anne Tyler at age 12 I have been wanting to get my own leather jacket just like Daphne and this year was going to be my year. But then.

Everywhere I look the biker boots and especially jacket are being hailed as 'the piece of the season'.

Witness:

exhibit a) Bardot leather jacket - $350

exhibit b) Saba leather jacket approx $600

exhibit c) Witchery leather jacket - $600

Grrrrrr. I don't want to look like everyone else!

AND, and that means that next year when the jacket goes OUT of fashion mine will be 'last season' instead of just being part of the Bee Look.

This may sound crazy but creating a Bee Look makes me feel organised and in control of my life/self. As opposed to the very out of control way I feel about being at home with an infant.

Yes, I realise it's a false sense of control. Hello consumerism.

But anyway. I'm thinking of going with exhibit c. Stuff everybody else.

I like these pants

2008-03-17T05:00:00.000+11:00

Saturday in the Junction

2008-03-16T15:04:00.000+11:00

Today Mac took care of Marley so I could sleep in.

Today I got out ON MY OWN for a couple of hours.

Today I was looking at silver chains and found a silver surfer charm exactly like the one I gave to Mac for his 15th birthday, nearly 16 years ago.
I bought it and now am wearing it on a chain around my neck. Maybe one day I can give it to Marley.

Today I ate leftover Thai and rocket salad.

Today I found a cafe in Bondi Junction that makes passable soy chai. Not as good as Gertrude and Alice on Hall St, but still.

Today I put my boots on and Mac said I looked sexy.

Today I got a pedicure.

Today Mac and I strollered Marley down to Tamarama for a swim. By the time we got there Marley was sound asleep.

Tonight I lay with Marley as he drifted off to sleep. Face to face he pulled my head closer to his. Our foreheads pressed together. I love him.

In summary

2008-03-15T15:04:00.001+11:00

Firstly I want to say thanks to Angela for commenting on my less than exciting mum-posts these last few days.

Eli is now at his dad's for the weekend and Marley had his 4 month shots.

Mac is tired but amiable and I am continuing to spend my spare moments googling Charlotte Gainsbourg.

Randomly, I have been wondering where Rachael is as I have called her AND her boyfriend many times today and (very unusually ) she hasn't made a peep. Hope she's ok.

In answer to my cabin fever and isolation due to planet mum, I have called Mum-of-Bee and organised for her to come round and keep me company next Thursday. Perhaps I shall get my hair cut.

Oh, and NYLOP update - I slipped on to the doctor's scales while Marley was having his check-up and they said 59kg. Woo hoo!

But I am back to reading Anne Tyler. Again.

Bring on the weekend.

Overwhelmed

2008-03-14T16:30:00.000+11:00

Just how I'm feeling tonight.
Between a sick 10 year old and a baby I feel really stuck (literally - in the house).
I have almost no 'me' time and when they are asleep the last thing I want to do is housework.
Mac has been home from work late this week.
I know he is going to read this and I should be more understanding (he is a director of a company) but I hate it.
I wish we could eat dinner together.
I hate that I cook and do the bedtime routine without him.
I'm just really overwhelmed right now.

People in glass houses

2008-03-13T12:07:00.000+11:00

Parenting can be a really touchy subject.

Everybody has their own way of bringing up the offspring just as everybody has their own way of being.

It's easy for me to look at how other people parent (especially my own parents) and say what the bejesus could they be thinking of?

None of my close friends have kidlets yet so I haven't experienced that feeling with them but no doubt there will be days in the future where I will quietly need to take a moment to myself.

My sort-of-sister in law (my dead half brother's half brother's wife - sounds complicated, is simple when you break it down) and I have recently taken to emailing regularly (she lives in N.Z) as we have infants born just a few months apart. She has two little girls - the baby and 4 year-old Jennifer. I of course have Marley and Eli.

Ever since Jennifer was born I have doted on her from a distance but I have never actually met her. I see pictures regularly and when she modelled in a baby catalogue her parents sent me a copy. I cut out the pictures of Jennifer and put them on the fridge. I refer to her and Eli as cousins. I send her toys and books every birthday (she shares my birthday) and Christmas.

Because she was the first baby born after Stephen (my brother) died she has been like a beacon for both sides of the family. Stephen only lived to see Eli born, he was in Sydney for the birth which at the time was kind of annoying (I get very reclusive when pregnant) but of course now I am so grateful he was there.

Anyway, Jennifer's mum recently emailed and mentioned in passing that she was giving up yelling so Jen was having some time-outs. Apparently the only way that Jen listens is when someone yells at her.

Honestly I was kind of shocked.

The picture she'd always painted of Jen was of a well-behaved, creative, sunny, doting big sister. And honestly (again) while I have yelled in my time I really regret it and now I am basically a non-yelling parent. I mean, I yell out through the apartment for Eli to get his school bag, have a shower, tidy-up etc but not because I'm angry.

Now just cause that's the way I do things doesn't mean it's either a) right or b) the only way to parent. I know that. So why am I so shocked?

Constance once said to me, (when we were talking about my mother) and I was moaning, "Why can't my mother just be normal?" that I don't actually expect her to be normal - I expect her to be extraordinary.

Expect her to be able to listen non-judgementally. Expect her not to tell me what to do. Expect her to accept me exactly the way I am.

There it is. When it comes to human relationships I expect extraordinary things from myself and by extension, I expect it from those around me.

But of course I am not extraordinary. I'm normal. Just a normal being doing her best. As all mothers are.

"By judging other parents I have a gratifying moment of self-righteousness but have strayed from my goal of becoming tolerant, patient and understanding.

I can keep my opinions but if I cling to them to define myself and alienate others they do me more harm than good."

Sarah Napthali, Buddhism for Mothers.

Still life

2008-03-12T15:10:00.000+11:00

Huge pile of laundry.
Baby that wants to be held all evening when it's dinner-making time.
10 year-old that's sick.
Wardrobe that's too small.
Too much mess in the house.
Just feeling a little blah.

Back to life

2008-03-11T17:11:00.000+11:00

I thought the beach trip would be tres stressful but actually it was great. Yay for holidays and childless friends that can help with the baby.
However by the time we arrived home last night Eli had a fever and today the doctor said it was something glandular, possibly glandular fever!?
Happily he seemed to be improving this evening. Fingers crossed it's just some random virus that disappears pronto.

Treachery Holiday 3

2008-03-09T22:58:00.000+11:00

Sunlight filters through the trees on the beach path. At the end of the path is Treachery Beach where Marley had his first swim.

Treachery Holiday 2

2008-03-08T23:55:00.000+11:00

When Marley woke at dawn I bundled him in his baby sling and we went down to the beach. This is what we could see to our right. The water was straight ahead.

Treachery Holiday 1

2008-03-08T13:51:00.000+11:00

We camped, we swam, we picnicked. Prowling the camp-site were a couple of dingoes and flurries of bush turkeys. Here one pecks hopefully at the barbie for leftovers .

Away at the beach

2008-03-07T17:21:00.000+11:00

Yes, as the title suggests we are going away to holiday by the beach (above). For three days. But don't worry, I will be journaling old school style and updating here on the 10th.

As said beach is a 4 hr drive north, Eli, Marley and I are going by train to Newcastle and Mac will go in the car without us and pick us up at the station.

I hate public transport so the catching the train thing is pretty out of character for me.

But you know something weird?

I was packing up the video camera for the trip when I decided to clean out the camera bag of any unnecessary bits and pieces. I found a random tape with no case and no label.

I rewound it a little to see what it was. Fuzzy, then dim. A room. A stuffed pig, an old plastic baby toy. Eli's old room. Then Eli's squeaky little voice saying, "Pig. Hulk Hands. Mummy!"

And there I am. 25. Longer hair, thinner eyebrows, tan skin and about 6 kgs lighter.

Kissing Eli goodnight. Then the tape goes black.

My guy. My little guy Eli.

He's growing up. Sometimes I get caught up with Mac and Marley, like they are my real family. My 'proper' family. But no. Eli - he's always been with me.

He's grown up with me.

I look at that video, just that snippet because I was too afraid of rewinding, and see I am so young. Was so young. And there's my baby, so trusting, so loving.

With Marley he's this new little miracle. Free of everything I was. Unencumbered by my past.

Eli is my past.

He's seen it all, even things I wish he hadn't. But god -he's so beautiful. It's easy to forget that with Marley around, Marley is a really beautiful baby. But I mustn't forget it.

He didn't want to come away this weekend - Eli. He wanted to go to his dad's. But I talked about how he knew about this weekend, agreed to come, it was a family weekend, he is part of the family.

Then I said this time he didn't have to come but next time... but by then he felt bad and said he (wanted to?) would.

My poor beautiful child. He felt caught in the middle. Dave and I, we are his family but we don't exist any more. I hate to think of his heart hurting. I looked at him and saw it. Tears in his ten year-old eyes cause he had to pick - be with Mummy or be with Daddy.

I will never comment again. If he ever says no, I want to go to Daddy's, I'm going to say ok. That's all.

Then there's me. After seeing 25 year-old Bee it was a shock to see nearly-30-year-old Bee in the mirror. No make-up, hair pulled back tightly, naked white skin.

Who am I?

This time last year

2008-03-06T13:42:00.000+11:00

I read Then & Now on Pink Sun Drops blog and thought today would be the perfect day to reflect on this time last year...

Then: I found out I was pregnant using a home test. It was Friday March 2nd 2007.
Now: I have a beautiful baby son whom I love with all my heart.

Then: I lived in an old terrace in Paddington with Eli and our old dog Phoebe.
Now: I live in a sunny apartment at Bondi Beach with Eli, Mac and Marley.

Then: I was recovering from a bout of depression.
Now: I am happy almost all the time. Amazing.

Then: I was looking for a full time job in Publishing.
Now: I am enjoying being at home and having time to be with Eli more.

Then: I was really worried how I was going to take Eli on the promised trip to Disneyland with a baby and no job to pay for the trip.
Now: Mac and I have worked out a plan so that Eli and I can go over in Spring next year.

Then: I was wondering if Mac would get over the huge shock of my pregnancy and be able to embrace it with me. I wondered if the pregnancy would tear us apart.
Now: I feel so grateful for all of Mac's support. It took him a while to adjust but he has supported me like no one else has. Ever. Now any time I need to I can close my eyes and hear him telling me, "You're my hero, " as I was whisked off to theatre after Marley's birth. AND he's the best dad ever.

Then: I had a crappy old Toyota Camry that was falling apart.
Now: I have a different Toyota Camry that's falling apart but in 2-4 weeks I will have a new (used) Rav4. Yay! Although I can't believe I'm joining the 4 wheel drive set. (?!!)

Then: I weighed 57kg and wanted to lose weight.
Now: I weigh 60.55kg and want to lose weight. BUT! I put on and lost 20kg while pregnant so I have almost lost all the baby weight.

Then: I planned not to put on excess weight while pregnant.
Now: See above.

Then: I was convinced Marley would be a girl.
Now: I think maybe he was my daughter in a past life.

Then: I thought getting a tan was fine.
Now: I think it damages your skin (those government ads really worked on me!) and I slather sunscreen on me even before driving - don't want tradies-tan-arms.

Then: I didn't have a dishwasher and my clothes washer kept breaking down.
Now: I have all major appliances at my disposal.

Then: I though Mac & I would get married before having a baby.
Now: I just hope we get married!

Then: I didn't have private health insurance.
Now: We all do.

Then: I was freaked about turning 30.
Now: I'm (getting) ready.

Then: I thought I would NEVER blog.
Now: Here I am.

Hiatus cont

2008-03-05T16:49:00.000+11:00

Yep, still 'frozen' if you will (re: book review). I think I've hit a post-baby slump.

Marley will be 4 months old next week and I think the lack of sleep and lack of 'me' time has finally caught up with me.

Starting the 365 days blog commitment with an infant...what was I thinking ?!

I promise I will EVENTUALLY review those darn books (am sorry I ever committed to it now) but who knows when.

When I darn well feel like it is when.

It's my blog and I'll do what I want.

Okay, tantrums over now. Geeez Bee.

Hiatus

2008-03-04T14:12:00.000+11:00

I know what I said yesterday but I am just far too exhausted to do it.
Perhaps tomorrow...

Late, late

2008-03-03T15:54:00.000+11:00

Over the years I have picked up various (bad) habits from my exes. One that I picked up many, many years ago from Eli's father Dave, is lateness.

Back when I was with Dave his lateness was so extreme that I would tell him my antenatal appointments were at least 1 hr earlier than the booking so we would get there on time.

Now, I have the same problem.

Mind you, I don't blame Dave, I am simply citing him as the original source.

I once kept poor Constance waiting for 3 hours at a bar.

I was late to give birth to Eli. (The induction was set for 7am. I got there at 9am.)

And now, I am late doing my monthly book review. Actually I forgot it completely. BUT I did read two books!!

So tomorrow, look out. I'll have my say on 'Atonement ' and 'The Hundred Secret Senses'.

Oh, and for those who are tracking Marley's progress, he has been running Mac and I absolutely ragged with more random crying and constant night waking.
But he is still as adorable and pudgy as ever.

Old

2008-03-02T16:21:00.000+11:00

Had Rachael & Jenna over last night till midnight and have been exhausted all day in manner of hangover. And I didn't drink. Feeling old much?

And this is what I would buy if I had $599,900. Surely it should be turned into a Tyler museum or similar?!

I had a little hunt around and wonder if this is the house in question. Fits the criteria...

In Law

2008-02-29T16:06:00.000+11:00

Met up with Mac's mum for lunch today.
It was the first time we've got together alone (well, Marley was there too) and it was actually really positive. She was clearly interested in getting to know me, not just seeing Marley, which is pretty cool.
I remember when I was teenager I found her kind of scary and intimidating.
I wonder if Eli's friends will think that of me?
Come to think of it, it's unlikely. I'm too young and not at all scary. Give me ten more years though...

Clean me

2008-02-28T16:50:00.000+11:00

I want a Roomba!

Mirror, mirror...

2008-02-27T16:19:00.000+11:00

Again, Alynda has inspired me.
I have a horrible, horrible confession.
One I only revealed to Mac last night in a fit of expression.

When I look good I feel better and more worthy than the other people around me.

When I look crap I feel worse and less worthy than the people around me whom I deem to look better than me.

Obviously this is sadly superficial, pathological, unhealthy.
But Mac (Mr anti-superficial) SHOCKED me by saying that there are things about himself (not his looks) that make him feel better than other people too, and that he believes that this desire for 'betterness' (my term, not his) is what drives human beings to succeed.

Hmm.

Not very Zen though, I said. No, not very Zen, he agreed.

If I could free myself from all attachments then I would be free.
I believe this will happen in death, I'm not sure if I can achieve it in life.

In life I have just purchased a pair of kick ass black motorcycle style boots from Country Road.
Sweet!

Vote 1 Memory

2008-02-26T17:14:00.000+11:00

One of the things I value most about myself is my memory. Not because it's that efficient or accurate (I'm sure) but because without it I would have nothing.
It tells me everywhere I've been and everything I know. Every reason I have to be happy and every reason why I'm sad.
If I woke up one day without it I would be lost.
It is my little collection of stories, my handful of life.
It is everything that I am. And - as far as writing goes - holds everything I have to offer.

Small Pleasure 5

2008-02-25T16:49:00.000+11:00

Being able to (just) fit back into my favourite green dress.

Time management

2008-02-24T04:17:00.000+11:00

Had Mother's Group yesterday.
The last couple of times I found it to be a really rewarding experience but yesterday I really, really didn't. Partly this was because it threw Marley's 'routine' out and partly because there was a guest speaker talking about Homoeopathy and why NOT to immunise etc.

Each to their own, and I know there is controversy surrounding infant vaccinations and their side effects, but personally I would rather my children not have contagious diseases.

Also, when I asked the other mothers if they had time to do anything else apart from look after bub it was suggested that I didn't have a (lack of) time problem so much as a motivational problem. Grrrrr.

Anyway, it got me thinking about Marley's week day routine...what little of it there is. This is what it looks like on a good day. And by good I mean no crying fits or extra car trips ANYWHERE.

14 week old Marley's 'ideal' 'routine'
(approx)

7am - woken up to be ready to sleep again at-
8am - sleep in car while I do the school run
9am - wake when we get home. Feed. Play.
11am- sleep
12pm -cry out - feed - back to sleep
1pm - wake. Play.
2:30pm - sleep in car while I do school run
3:15pm - wake on way home from school. Eli talks to him to stop him from crying.
3:30pm - arrive home. Feed.
5pm - sleep.
5:30/6pm - wake - Feed.
7:30/8:30pm - sleep.
12:00am - cry out (but asleep) - feed.
then wakes 3-4 more times to feed before doing it all again at -

7am - wake again.

I can barely find the time to do these meagre posts and have a shower when Marley's asleep.

Am I really expected to do more in those snippets of time? Feel bad like maybe am bad housewife (?!) for not getting more done. But really that is ludicrous. Isn't it?

To bed

2008-02-23T16:52:00.000+11:00

I go minus one Mac.
Had a non-stop day with Mr Marley and a mini Gilmore Girls marathon this evening with Eli, now I'm hitting the hay.

Quick quick

2008-02-22T17:17:00.000+11:00

Mac is going on a surfing trip tomorrow so I have to run off and play cards with him now before he goes to bed.
Tomorrow will be my first night without him since I came home from hospital with Marley....

Small Pleasure 4

2008-02-21T17:38:00.000+11:00

Watching 3 month old Marley sleep, his pudgy face inches from mine.
His beautiful chubby cheeks relaxed, his full lips pursed.
His tiny chest rising and falling. His short arms spread from his body like wings.

My first boyfriend

2008-02-20T16:56:00.000+11:00

I lost my virginity to this boy I sat next to in 9th grade home room.

He wasn't the most popular boy in school, he wasn't the best looking. But we could talk about anything, and when he set his warm brown eyes on me I felt good. I loved him.

I wrote about him in my diary and pondered about what our kids would look like.

We went to the movies, we went to to the beach. He rode his body board while I lay with my friends on the sand, posing as 14 year-olds do.

The first time we did it we were on a headland overlooking the ocean . I had on an aqua one piece swimsuit and a tan. I peeled off the suit exposing my paler skin. Sticks stuck to my back. It wasn't scary, it was exciting and strange.

For 8 months we were together and then we broke up.
8 months is a long time when you're 14 & 15. I know it's a cliché but - it got complicated.

The feelings.

I wouldn't have been able to tell you this at the time but I didn't know how to handle them at all. Everything got confused.

Somehow after we broke up we stayed friends.

Once in twelfth grade we kissed on the beach in the dark.

His hair had grown longer, he didn't have that little bouncy cowlick on the back of his head, his braces were gone, his face was more angular. He was starting to become a man. He was handsome. But I already had a boyfriend - Dave, who literally was a man - so the kiss stayed on the sand.

We were still friends when I moved in with Dave, when I became pregnant with Eli at 18, when I got engaged at 21.

When the engagement broke off six months later he told me I was an idiot. I think that's what he said. But that was ok, I was a bit of an idiot.
Not for breaking up with Dave, I don't think, but for a million other reasons.

Regardless.

I went off to go to Uni and to raise Eli, and he went back to whatever it was that he was doing, and I didn't see him again.

Ten years later I was working in publishing and casually dating a guy who had been a professional body boarder. I mean, he wasn't when I was dating him, when I was dating him he was a coke dealer. At least that's what I surmised from his lifestyle.

Memories of my first boyfriend trickled back. He was the nicest, kindest boy I had ever gone out with.

I called him and we organised to meet at the book store cafe in Paddington. I wore a white cotton shirt and denim flares. I parked the car and rounded the corner, my little cream dog in tow, my little hopeful heart in motion.

There he was, walking toward me.
Wearing navy blue cords and a nondescript grey shirt. No visible labels. Nothing trendy. Just exactly like him.

When we embraced I breathed in the forgotten familiar smell of his skin.

It was Mac.

Small Pleasure 3

2008-02-19T15:59:00.000+11:00

Cheese and tomato. A classic couple.

Baby Fat

2008-02-18T16:58:00.000+11:00

Went to Rachael's birthday, saw all the girls etc.
Did my absolute best to look appropriate. Did achieve appropriateness with black wrap dress, black wedges and loads of green glass accessories, but was still so much larger than I want to be - and so much larger than the other girls.
Desire all fat to be gone from self when I wake up in the morning. Poof! Gone! Skinny Bee!

I wish I was above such concerns but I most definitely am not.

Sleepy time

2008-02-17T16:33:00.000+11:00

Apologies for my woeful post yesterday. Marley screamed the house down all evening (not his usual thing - usually he just grizzles and cries a little at home) and my nerves were too frazzled to allow proper posting.

Tonight however he is sleepier than he has been since he was born which is kind of alarming. I hope it's just that he's going through his 3 month growth spurt...

Also a quick follow up re: the piece I started writing.

At this moment I definitely feel I have opened the door too much and have to leave it till...I don't know when.

I always do this. Start a piece then just drop it.

I feel crap about that. Kind of embarrassed and, like a liar. Like a pretender writer.

Mac says that it's not pointless because every time I start I'm making a little bit of progress, but am I really? Maybe I'm just being lame.

Hmm.

In completely different news it's Rachael's birthday drinks (part 2) tomorrow at Icebergs and I have absolutely nothing appropriate to wear.

Argghhh! Dress/body image/Eastern Suburbs/fashion angst!

Small Pleasure 2

2008-02-16T17:22:00.000+11:00

Avocados.

Where Romance Leads

2008-02-15T17:12:00.000+11:00

You know how I mentioned Marley screams non-stop in the car and I hate it?
Well, as a result of this problem I have now committed two traffic infringements in two days.

First because I was distracted by his crying I didn't see a 40km an hour road sign and got booked driving at 50km an hour.

Second for parking in a No Parking Zone because there is NO STREET PARKING in Bondi tonight and I could not drive around forever looking for one while Mr Marley was screaming his little head off.

And I do mean screaming.
Eli has even asked if babies can die of screaming because it sounds that bad.
Sigh.

Anyhoo...

Today is Mum-of-Bee's 60th birthday and Rachael's 30th birthday.

And it's also VALENTINE'S DAY!

What was I doing this time last year? Well...

Apparently this morning Mac was getting his coffee at work and the barrista asked him if he was romantic. He responded, "Last year I was, and today I was up at 5am with my 3 month-old so you do the math."

Mac and I went back to the same (not at all romantic) Belgian Beer Cafe in The Rocks we went to for lunch last year but this year the offspring joined us.

And we toasted to Marley's 1 year in existence.

Sorry

2008-02-14T14:05:00.000+11:00

Today the PM gave a formal apology to the Indigenous people here in Australia for all the horrible things that have happened since European settlement.

Gotta say, I was emotional.

Sitting first in my car listening to it on the radio then on my couch by the TV, I was crying and clapping and just feeling sad and glad and like maybe changes really will happen.

Oh, and Happy 40th Bee in Bondi post to me!

Breathe in Now

2008-02-13T12:54:00.000+11:00

This is for David & Smiler

I just want to say thanks.

Closed Door Confession

2008-02-12T18:00:00.000+11:00

Came across this post via another fan of Charlotte Gainsbourg.
I wasn't going to mention it here but now I feel compelled.
Last week I started a manuscript on my experiences as a teenager.

My heart is in my mouth as I click New Microsoft Word Document.

I am scared and I am excited and I am just hoping to god (this is an expression - I don’t know if I believe in god) that I can do this and finish it and it will be ok.

I have been writing (mostly unfinished) pieces for as long as I can remember and today I am hoping to start something different. But of course, every time I am hoping that.

I am going to try to do what Mr King said. Just write and write with the door closed. Not worrying about going back to check. Just getting it out.

Well, the door is literally open and I can hear the dryer going with Marley’s baby clothes and Marley himself is asleep in his bouncer right next to me but there is no one else home and he is soundly asleep which is as closed and my door can get these days.

What I am about to write about is

What I’m going to write about is

Stop pausing and just write. It’s going to be ok. It’s already happened, it can’t happen again.

But it can, this is how it’s going to happen again. Yes, except now you know how it ends.

Now you know that it does end.

Well, now you kind of know the ending before I’ve gotten there but we’ll forge ahead anyway.

Please don't comment on this post...

Sort Of Dunno Nuthin

2008-02-11T16:10:00.000+11:00

Tonight we had salmon and trout steaks and green salad with lime dressing for dinner. I always feel a sense of well-being when we have this meal because I know it's good for us. High protein, low carbs etc.

Jenna is trying to lose weight too and is struggling to phase out her habits which include pot, wine and cigarettes.

Mac pointed me to this website the other day by his favourite blogger (yeah, I know. How can his favourite not be ME ?! :) and I sent it on to Jenna.

Being an all or nothing kind of gal I have forgotten the world of smoking I used to inhabit.

It was not uncommon to hear me talking about what cigarettes go well with (everything) or for others to try to enter my bedroom but be unable because of the fug.

On several occasions Eli wanted to come in and I would have to say, "Stop! Wait! Don't come in! Smoke!"
Sad.

Anyway, I was thinking about Eli and the letter and I am just so underwhelmed to be approaching his teens. Lets just hope it won't be as bad as this. Sigh.

See those striped chairs in the background? I am sure I've sat on identical ones in my youth.

Can writing that's easy be good?

2008-02-10T14:36:00.000+11:00

What I am wondering is - can writing that's easy to do be good writing/reading?

For instance the posts that I have done quickly (like this one) are lacking in imagery, depth and further meaning - you can tell they're done in haste. I literally sit down, write what's on my mind and I'm done.

The better posts start off with a thought then I spend the rest of the day growing that thought till it resembles in words the way I see it or feel it.

So that's what I'm thinking about tonight...with my other writing (not blogging) can a purge of words ever really be any good?

And in unrelated news -

The hallway outside my apartment smells deliciously of mushrooms being sautéed in butter.
Outside the dusk is a pale blue sky and pink fairy floss clouds.
Today I met up with Rachael & Jenna at G&A and I drank two pots of soy chai.
For dinner I have ordered Thai red curry with chicken, brown rice and vegetable spring rolls.
Tonight I am watching another French film on SBS with Mac.

Small Pleasure 1

2008-02-09T11:28:00.000+11:00

Opening a fresh jar of peanut butter and digging a knife into the smooth brown surface.

Muse of the moment

2008-02-08T08:45:00.000+11:00

I have a new obsession.

The other night Mac and I caught Ils Se Marièrent et Eurent Beaucoup d'Enfants on SBS and I am now totally enamoured by Miss Charlotte Gainsbourg and her whole gorgeous family.

What do I love about her? She's not classically beautiful but she's ridiculously stylish. And wallah! I have new inspiration for 5. on my NYLOP

I am also happy to report that progress has been made on 2. of NYLOP I am now at 62.55kg. Yay! 12.55 kg to go.

And if you feel like listening to something pretty, lend your ears to 5:55 by Miss CG.

Gonna grab myself a copy as soon as Marley chills out again and I can do things like leave the house in leisure.

Oh, and how am I having time to sit here today? Mac did the groceries last night AND got up with Marley this morning so I could get some much needed sleep. What a honey ;)

Boring Mum Stuff

2008-02-07T16:47:00.000+11:00

Today Marley screamed so much and seemed so unsatisfied with his afternoon breastfeed that I popped him in his sling and scurried across the street the rainy street to buy formula just in case.

By the time I got back home he was totally asleep and has stayed that way ever since.

I am sleep deprived and strung out and dreading all the driving tomorrow. It's about 3 hours in total because Eli has basketball practice as well as school.

If you are reading this and have ANY suggestions as to how to solve the crying-in-the-car problem please comment!!! I am fresh out of ideas.

Trouble, trouble

2008-02-06T17:14:00.000+11:00

Been having loads of trouble with Marley's routine etc and think it may (partly) be because of excess time sitting at computer.

Have decided if something has to suffer out of my sleep, Marley's happiness, and blogging - it's gonna have to be the blogging :(

Hopefully will get more time tomorrow. I have started a post about my latest obsession, hopefully I'll get to finish it and share...

What not to do on the way to hospital

2008-02-05T17:21:00.000+11:00

to give birth to your first son:
Eat a McDonald's breakfast with hash browns, sausage and egg McMuffin, hotcakes with syrup etc.
What goes in must come out.
Yep. Gross.

I see you more than I did before

2008-02-04T15:49:00.000+11:00

Apparently this reminds Mac of darling Marley!?!
p.s Sound is a must...

I see you

2008-02-03T12:20:00.000+11:00

I was looking back on my description of Mac and I realise that it's kinda sparse and unemotional.

Although I do mention him frequently, like numbers 20 and 66 of my 100 things list, I feel compelled to explain.

The reason I have (as yet) not gone into great detail about Mac and how I feel about him is because he reads this blog. Yep.

I have encouraged him to leave comments but as he can do that in person I guess he doesn't feel the need.

I'm sure as time goes by I will colour him in more...but I'm not really sure how.

I've seen other blogs where the expression of details and feelings seems to have brought down relationships.

My relationship with Mac - it's delicate, it's complex, it's important, it's real.

So for now let's just say I see you baby ;)

Found it!

2008-02-02T13:36:00.000+11:00

Okra!
That is the answer to my question (See 10).
We don't really use this in Australian cooking but here it is in all it's neon glory.
I came across this blog because one of my fave books, 'Saint Maybe' by Anne Tyler was mentioned.

The lesson? Follow Anne and the answers will come.

Anyhoo, speaking of all things bookish, I have decided that as per my list of New Years Possibilities, the first day of each month will be used to review the books I just read.

Yes, I agree. It is an exciting, titillating, nay, arousing prospect. So here we go.

First, I must point out that I have outdone myself by reading not 2 but 3 new books (will wonders never cease?) and AND, they are all by MEN (see 5). Bee, Bee, Bee. What would Marilyn French say? Ok, let's get on with it.

Book: 'Dirt Music' by Tim Winton
About: The secrets of a West Australian fishing town through the eyes of a (nearly) middle-age import and a hermit insider.
Love: The imagery and language propel you directly into this little town with all its complexities. Winton's portrayal of the town's folk is as Aussie as Uluru.
Hate: I think it comes undone at the end where the plot gets a bit Cinderella.
Rate: 7/10. It's brilliantly written but not my usual cup of tea.

Book: 'Slam' by Nick Hornby
About: Sam (15) lives with his single-parent mum and talks to his Tony Hawk poster - and Tony talks back. What they talk about is that Sam has got himself into a bit of a situation with his girlfriend Alicia.
Love: As in his previous work 'About A Boy', Hornby captures the tone of a male waffler brilliantly and tells an intelligent tale in a reader-friendly manner.
As a former single/teen mother the premise held my personal interest. It is also worth pointing out that this book is aimed at young adults.
Hate: There are a few flash-forward scenes that I could have done without. I think the story was strong enough to stand without them.
Rate: 8/10. I'll be re-reading this one.

Book:'On Writing' by Stephen King
About: King's life and his writing journey plus some pointers for aspiring writers.
Love: There are a few gold nuggets of practical advice plus encouragement, which - lets face it - all writers need.
Hate: He can get a bit condescending at times.
Rate: 8/10. I'll be typing out some choice quotes to spur me on in my writing endeavours.

Now on to 'Atonement' but will review at the beginning of March.

In other news am feeling really gross and sick and phlegm filled so I'm toddling back to bed.

Thursday funny

2008-02-01T08:53:00.000+11:00

Tell me this isn't funny.

Who's who

2008-02-01T05:00:00.006+11:00

So you know who I'm yammering on about day in, day out, here is a run-down on the main players in Bee land:

Mac
Age 30. My partner since 2005. We had our first child, Marley, in November 2007. Mac is the real deal. Genuine, generous, strong, loving, and willing to be emotionally honest.

Eli
Age 11. My first son. He is a smart sprite of a boy who is interested in sports and computer games. His idea of fun is a surprise maths test or skateboarding with his step-brothers.
Eli is extremely self-contained at home but tells me he's one of the loudest in his class.
He lives with me and Mac during the week and with his dad, Dave, stepmother Jane, and two stepbrothers and half-sister on the weekends.

Marley
Age 0. My baby son who has the most magical laugh and hugest liquid brown eyes you ever saw in your life. You know that cat in Shrek when he turns on the cute face? Like that. Or an anime character. All eyes. All cute.
Marley has spent several months screaming in the car and refusing to sleep for more than 40 minutes at a time. After much stress and consultation with a sleep consultant he now sleeps at night and rarely screams in the car. Hallelujah!

Mum-of-Bee
Age 60. Means well. Lives in the suburbs with Dad-of-Bee, works in publishing. Loves me and her grandchildren very much.

Dad-of-Bee
Age mid 70s. Retired Artist. Quiet English man. Could tell you what I know about him in 10 minutes. Could spend the rest of my life telling you how I feel about that.

Rachael
Age 30. Best girl friend since age of 11. Works in TV. The person I belly laugh with and who just gets me. Was on hand at Marley's birth. Godmother to Eli and Marley. Also lives in Bondi.

Constance
Age 29. My oldest friend and childhood next-door neighbour. Currently residing in Europe where she is doing her PhD in Linguistics.

Jenna
Age 26. My other main girl. Works in admin, goes to Uni part-time and is in process of entire life make-over. Has given up fast-food, pot and cigarettes and has taken up exercising. Originally met her when we both at Sydney Uni in 2000. She lives in Enmore, in Sydney's Inner West.

Lionel
Age 26. Previously my best guy friend but now that I'm in full-on-mum-mode he seems to have little to say to me. Edits the last magazine I worked for. When I worked there he was my deputy. Lives near Jenna in Enmore.

Please note that all names that appear in Bee In Bondi are changed to protect individuals privacy. However all posts are the truth as I know it.

Last updated 4th July 2008.

OMG! My baby has a girlfriend

2008-01-31T17:29:00.000+11:00

This morning I was putting Eli’s lunchbox and pencil box in his school bag when I saw a paper note in one of the pockets. I unfolded it thinking, sigh, another note from school that I haven’t received. Instead what I found was a typed letter that looked something like this,

Dear Eli,

Why did you break up with me? Ever since you broke up with me I have been heartbroken.

Every night I lie on my bed and cry.

Do not respond to this letter because I know if you do you will just be mean.

Love, Amy.

WHAT! Eli has/had a girlfriend?! He was/could be mean to her????

Ok, I know this Miss Amy. She has been after him since kindergarten.

At one stage (maybe in first grade, or second?) she was having him over to play every week until he told me he didn’t want to go.

I had a very awkward phone moment (me being all of about 25) telling her mother on the phone. I said bizarre things like, “Eli has decided that he’d rather not come over any more,” and, “I’m sure he’ll want to play with Amy again sometime in the future.”
Good gawd Bee.

Oh, it it also relevant to add that prior to this moment I'd done a photo shoot of Amy and her brother for the magazine I was working on at the time, which of course her mother was present for. In my opinion, the shoot went fine.

Over the years Amy’s mother has been increasingly weird to me.
Once, at a school play (that Eli was in) she was selling the tickets at the door and she acted as if she'd never seen me before in her life.

She told me and Mum-of-Bee that there were no tickets left. Fortunately a mother whose daughter had not had her heart broken by my son stepped in and sold us tickets.

Once I asked Eli if he had a girlfriend and he said they weren’t allowed to have girlfriends and boyfriends at his school.

At the district athletics carnival last year I noticed that when it was Eli’s turn to run, Amy’s friend nudged her and Amy went down to the track side to cheer.

Another time Eli and I were discussing whether or not I knew all the names of the girls in his class. I didn’t, but when I said Amy’s name I told him I knew it because, “she likes you”. He didn’t confirm or deny.

You’d have to be a bloody detective to know what’s up with Eli.

After reading the note I folded it and put it back in the pocket.

Then I went to attend to Eli who was lying on the couch with a back-to-school nervousness tummy-ache.

Kids.

Back to School

2008-01-30T04:52:00.000+11:00

Eli starts 5th grade tomorrow.
It's a 1 hour round trip to drop him off and this will be done with Mr Marley who presently screams his little head off as soon as his nappy touches the car seat.
Wish me luck.

Tag, you're it

2008-01-29T07:32:00.000+11:00

Firstly I want to apologize for my lack of words yesterday.

When it was blogging time Mac and I were invested in a lengthy discussion on parenting that covered:

- The definition of normal. I meant normal to mean 'to be expected.' ie, "It's normal to feel that way."

- He meant normal to mean 'mainstream.' ie, "It's a mainstream attitude."

This convo somehow culminated in him telling me I am 'mainstream'. This would perhaps be by the by if not for the fact that Mac prides himself on not being mainstream.

Feeling miffed about this.

Maybe I need to ask him, does he consider my attitudes mainstream or just my reading habits? (He was pointing to a pile of OK! magazines that I am in the process of dismembering as evidence of my mainstreamness.)

Does any of that make sense? Hmm. Seemingly not. So anyway...

PJay has tagged me in some random blog game...I am to:

Link to the person who tagged you. See above - PJay.

Leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours. Done.

Post the rules on your blog. Yep.

Share the seven (7) most famous or infamous people you have met. Or go with the original 7 weird things about yourself.

Tag 7 random people at the end of your post.

Include links to their blogs.

Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Hmm, I've met quite a few 'famous' people as I used to work in media so I think I'll do the weird things as Marley is in my lap and I'm trying to be quick!

1) I eat tomatoes whole, like apples.

2) I walk around the house in underwear and thongs (flip-flops).

3) In winter I wear toe socks with thongs (flip-flops). (Will even wear them to work if I'm allowed.)

4) If I have to spend more than 2 hours in a suburban (as opposed to urban) environment I start to sweat, get a little frantic, and am likely to say things to the inhabitants of said environment I am sure to later regret.

5) For the most part I can only read novels written by women or novels which feature a female protagonist, otherwise I lose interest. There are exceptions such as Nick Hornby and Andre Dubus.

6) I like to relax by cutting pictures out of magazines.

7 ) I like cheesy, dangerous things that masquerade as wholesome. Like like High School Musical & Bratz dolls.

Ta dah.

Right, I am randomly tagging:

Candle At Both Ends

heart-strutter

Reader

Mirage as usual

I Run With Scissors

BAA BAA BLACKSHEEP

Soul Like A Spider

Over and out.

Five minutes

2008-01-28T18:56:00.000+11:00

I have five minutes to make the Sunday post.

Done.

Be back tomorrow to say something more interesting.

Halt! My home is protected property

2008-01-27T10:17:00.000+11:00

Who da thunk it?
My neighbourhood has become National Heritage. Bonza.

Speaking of my neighbourhood, today many a Bondite will be barbecuing it up to celebrate Australia Day.

For those not from Oz, Jaunary 26th is the day that the newcomers celebrate European settlement and the original inhabitants celebrate surviving the mass murders, attempted genocide, having had their children stolen, and ongoing discrimination.

As a first generation Aussie and a person of European descent, I am both happy that there is a long weekend, grateful that I live here to celebrate the long weekend, and sad and sorry that the racism and injustice continue.

Do I have solutions? Nope.

But I do have a list of questions to test how Aussie you are thanks to Richard Glover of SMH fame:

How do you tell if you are a true Aussie?

Richard Glover
January 26, 2008

TODAY you'll probably want to party, celebrating all the things that make us unique. But how do you tell if you are a true Aussie? Here are my 43 top ways to tell if you're a local.

You know you're Australian if …

1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".

11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.

12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".

15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".

25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".

35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".

43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

Happy Australia Day.

Feed me, bathe me, love me

2008-01-26T08:16:00.000+11:00

Once I met a sailor who wanted to stow me away on his ship and keep me to himself. I said, "I'm not a pet."

I put tomato sauce on my pasta

2008-01-25T18:39:00.000+11:00

For dinner Eli and I ate salmon steaks, chilli calamari and rocket and baby spinach salad.

I have been trying to get my fish cooking down and tonight I nailed it. Mac missed out because he went surfing. He has to cook his own trout tonight.

In honour of my food fetish here are 13 little morsels about my love of grub.

1. I put tomato sauce on my pasta.

2. I love seafood.

3. My favourite alcoholic drinks are apple martinis, cosmopolitans & bellinis. Also up for a vodka and pink grape fruit juice.

4. Maggie Beer pate is the best. It was staple snack at my girly Whine & Cheese nights back when I was single. I am planning to revive these nights soon minus the smoking, screeching and singleness. I think the baby would object.

5. There's nothing like mum's cooking - my fave Mum-of-Bee dishes are fish patties with rice, chicken casserole, chocolate cake, and beef and mushroom pie.

6. Despite being Filipino, the only Filipino dish Mum-of-Bee made when I was growing up was Leche Flan.

7. Once when I was in Uni I ate raw chillies at the old Bank Hotel in Newtown.

8. I love King Island Blue Brie. I missed it when I was pregnant but I made for it at Christmas and New Years.

9. When I was little my parents always ate oysters on New Years Eve, thus instilling in me an undying love of molluscs.

10. Once an ex-boyfriend made Thanksgiving dinner in Australia. It was the first time I tasted a squash-like vegetable that was crumbed and fried. For the life of me cannot remember it's name...

11. I love chocolate. Yesterday I ate a heart shaped raspberry Lindt chocolate with gold leaf. I had a metallic taste in my mouth for the rest of the afternoon. But surely it couldn't be from such a little piece of gold?

12. When I was 14 my parents gave my bestie, me, and my first boyfriend non-alcoholic champagne for New Years toasts. Sigh.

13. I got through Uni on a solid diet of wine, cigarettes, and pasta with cheese and tomato sauce.

At the Aquarium

2008-01-24T13:18:00.000+11:00

How old is your baby? Asks the mother seated next to me.

About 2 months

8 weeks. She says, gesturing to the baby at her breast.

Aww ( I smile at the baby).

Is this your first? (People always think Marley's my first.)

No, my first is down there looking at the fish.

Oh. Did you have him in Sydney?

Yes.

Me too. This is my second too. It's a juggling act! Oh, look at him. Isn't he a handsome one.

Yeah...how old is your first one?

Two. She still needs a lot of attention, it's hard to juggle. She's playing in the gift store.

Gotta love the gift stores.

Yes. We come here a lot. It's nice and cool down here.

It's very peaceful.

How old is yours?

Oh, he's ten. He's big enough to help.

Two boys?

Yes.

Two girls. Has he started smiling?

Yes, he's very smiley.

She's started smiling. We weren't sure if she was going to. She had Meningitis. Oh, but it's not contagious. But we're not sure if she's all there. (To the baby) It's ok if you're not all there.

Well, the smiling is a good sign.

Yes.

(Eli walks over.) Here's the big one. I better be off. Good luck with everything.

Thanks, you too. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

* * *

We never really met. And I guess there was a whole lot more I could have said.

There is sleep deprivation, rushed moments and things left undone. But at the end of the day I can be pretty sure I'll see my boy's smile.

How freakin lucky am I.

Baby Business

2008-01-23T17:01:00.000+11:00

Marley has gone back to waking up every 2-3 hours.

Tired. No time to post properly. Must sleep.

What ho! Green grass

2008-01-22T10:36:00.000+11:00

It has come to my attention that within writing circles (of which I am not a part of) freelancing is considered the thing to do.

I have freelanced exactly once.

Once was enough to be able to say, "I'm freelancing" (read: unemployed) when quizzed by those-whom-one-would-prefer-not-to-be-judged-by.

Once was enough to reassure self that am still publishable.

And once was enough to know that I don't like freelancing one whit.

Although...

It could have been because I was pregnant at the time and instead of being commissioned to write about pregnancy, which was the only thing I was interested in, I was writing about sustainable living. Capital B boring.

So maybe if I was ever freelancing about something I was interested in, it could be doable.

But really, I love the office environment.

I love collaborating with a team. I love the pub lunches. I love being able to make copious amounts of colour prints and not worry about the ink running out. I love being able to yell out over my shoulder to bounce ideas. Hell, I love being out of the house.

I once worked at a publishing house where I worked with some good mates, could wear slippers, and bring my kid and my dog (see75.) to work. That's the kind of place I'm thinking of when I turn up my nose at the freelancing life.

But, to take off the rosy glasses for a moment, the trade-off was that I didn't get paid enough nor was I treated well enough by the powers that were.

So yeah, if I could work in an office where I could wear slippers, start at 10am or later, be with my mates and get paid properly and not treated like shite, then I would prefer not to freelance.

Ha.

The Last 32 Things About Me

2008-01-21T18:03:00.000+11:00

68. I have few friends but the ones I have are gold.

69. I have known my oldest friend for 21 years. She was my next door neighbour when I was a kid.

70. I wrote my first story when I was 6, I think. It was about a girl finding a dinosaur in her backyard.

71. I 'organised' my first play for the class when I was in first grade. I wrote my first play when I was 14.

72. Once I was employed as a publicist for a book company. I was fired after 3 weeks for 'not fitting in' and tardiness.

73. I am not, not, not and never will be a morning person.

74. I truly believe that all offices should open no earlier than 10am.

75. My dog used to come to work with me (not at the book company). She sat under my desk and followed me when I went to the printer.

76. Fried or scrambled? I prefer my eggs Benedict.

77. If I could only have one major appliance it would be my washing machine.

78. I am fussy about fonts.

79. I don't like horror or action flicks.

80. My favourite drink is milk.

81. If there is a mosquito within a 10 metre radius it will find me.

82. I love the 'Smurfs'.

83. When I was little I loved puddles and climbing trees.

84. Now I just love trees.

85. I have dreams I can fly.

86. I am totally offended that the council charges for parking in the street. If you live in the city where the freak are you supposed to park?

87. I have thousands of dollars worth of parking fines.

88. I had tennis lessons for many years and I still can't play.

89. I got my drivers licence when I was 25.

90. I'll have my food wet please.

91. I have one male friend, Lionel. The last time I saw him he chastised me for giving Marley a dummy while talking about his recent (albeit uncharacteristic) coke binge.

92. My first job after Uni was as an editorial assistant.

93. I still use Spell Check. I love Wikipedia.

94. I have gazillions of stretch marks from when I was pregnant with Eli. With Marley I only got one.

95. My mind constantly wanders into the past and the future.

96. I work at becoming emotionally healthy and staying present.

97. I do have regrets. They're mostly to do with parenting.

98. I am musically challenged.

99. The one thing I always wanted, and still want to be is a good mother.

100. My real name is not Bee.

26 More Things About Me

2008-01-20T14:53:00.001+11:00

41. A good over-the-counter antidepressant is 'Gilmore Girls' + chocolate ice cream.

42. I have a phobia of the suburbs (see 12.).

43. If my life had a shape it would be a circle.

45. I love the colour green.

46. The first concert I ever went to was Young Talent Time at the Entertainment Centre. I was 10.

47. At various ages I have wanted to have the following occupations:

25-27yrs - editor
20-21yrs - psychologist
16-21yrs - playwright
14-16yrs - actress
12yrs - model
11yrs- ballet dancer
10yrs - journalist & cartoonist
8yrs - material girl

48. If there was a movie about my life (ha ha) I would want Natalie Portman to play me.

49. I look nothing like Natalie Portman.

50. Once my heart broke so badly I wanted to die.

51. I would love to go back to Uni to do creative writing and/or political science.

52. When I started Uni I intended to major in Psychology and become a psychologist.

53. I really like peas with meat.

54. I was a vegetarian from age 15-18.

55. When I gave birth to Marley I nearly died.

56. Unwashed fruit and vegetables freak me out. (Not if they're just sitting there, that would be weird. Only if someone expects me to eat them unwashed. Hello! Pesticides!)

57. I used to be a chain smoker.

58. I ran away from home when I was 17.

59. I was a very troubled/angry teenager. I feel very sorry towards my parents now, but back then I hated them.

60. I suffer from depression from time to time. It sucks.

61. 'Hello Kitty' and things that are pink make me happy. I would like to have this toaster but it would clash with the decor in my kitchen.

61. I used to think that only people who achieved great things were special and worthy but now I think humanity as a whole is freakin amazing.

63. I like walking in the rain.

64. I have started writing so many stories but have finished none of them.

65. I still wish my Dad could love me.

66. The best quote I've heard lately is from the movie 'Juno'. This is what her dad says to her (Juno) when she is losing faith in love and humanity,

"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

That's me and Mac. He loves me even when I'm crap.

67. I was raised Catholic. This explains a lot I think.

Things About Me 68-100.

17 More Things About Me

2008-01-19T13:06:00.001+11:00

Cont...

22. I love Lindsay Lohan. Still. I think she is charismatic and a good entertainer. Am I crazy? Possibly.

23. I really am a little bit crazy.

24. I am obsessed with Anne Tyler novels.

25. Sometimes I'm really not sure if, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I mean, when you think about it, losing sucks.

26. When I'm pregnant a weird sort of sedated haze comes over me.

27. When I'm not, everything is razor sharp.

28. Not me, I'm not that sharp. Just the world around me.

29. I love playing cards but I can only retain the rules of one card game in my head at any given time.

30. In high school I had a bad reputation. It still hurts to think of it.

31. I have lost sleep thinking about the war.

32. Religious fundamentalism of any kind disturbs me.

33. I vote. Well, I'm Australian, I have to. But I would any way.

34. I understand my mum better now that I'm nearly, *gulp* 30.

35. My eldest son Eli is an amazing kid and nothing like me.

36. Sometimes it bothers me when Eli reminds me of his father, Dave. But it's not Eli's fault. As Mac pointed out, if it's anyone's fault it's mine. Good point Mac.

37. I am a very sensitive person.

38. I try to be kind.

39. I hope my kids have a better life than me.

40. My obsession this week is for vanilla ice cream with maple syrup. Just polished off a whole bottle of the sweety goodness. Yum.

Things About Me 41-67.

100 Things About Me

2008-01-18T14:44:00.001+11:00

Ok, I'm going to start this now and if I finish good. If not I'll finish tomorrow. And the next day. I'm over stressing out about my posts. Plus Marley is particularly fractious today, I'm having to jiggle him on my shoulder as I type...

1. I was born in Sydney in the winter of 1978.

2. I am first generation Australian.

3. I am mixed race. My mum was born in the Philippines and my dad was born in London, England.

4. My spell check does not recognise the word 'Philippines' (?!).

5. There are four people in my family, Mac (30), Eli (10) & Marley the baby.

6. I have no full brothers or sisters.

7. I had 2 half brothers but my favourite one died a few years ago. He was 32. He was really cool. I'll write more about him another day.

8. My earliest memory is of my mother changing my nappy. I must have been about 2.

9. My biggest fear is of being lonely. Not of being alone.

10. I feel like a woman first, human second.

11. But I still refer to myself as a girl even though I can see the crows feet in the mirror.

12. I grew up in the northern suburbs of Sydney.

13. When I was younger I wish I'd known that 'this too shall pass'.

14. My favourite sound in the whole world is baby Marley's laugh. He is 2 months old.

15. I have a personally autographed picture of Zac Efron. I was briefly obsessed with him but I seem to have awakened from that lapse.

16. I practically flunked out of 12th grade.

17. I have a degree in English Literature from the University of Sydney.

18. I would rather be cold than hot.

19. I am an all or nothing kind of girl.

20. I think Mac is the best man ever.

21. At school athletics carnivals I always came last in running races.

Things About Me 22- 40.

Things About Me 41-67.

Things About Me 68-100.

Daddy, I want a pony!

2008-01-17T13:34:00.000+11:00

For many, many years I didn't understand the saying, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." I always thought, why not?

I finally understood the saying when, at age 23, I found a newspaper article that said, "Because when you eat it it you don't have it any more. It is gone. Into your stomach."

I cut out the article and stuck the clipping on the wall. Where it stayed for 5 years.